Hands Off

The mom looked up at me, her big eyes wide in the dim light coming through the open door.  “This is really happening,” she said.  I nodded in agreement.  And smiled.  I was so proud of her.

In the next moments she calmly said, “The head is in my hand.”  The water in the birth pool barely made a ripple as she balanced with one hand unseen.  This moment was the pinnacle of years of work for my client.  

Studying birth and becoming a doula did not heal the trauma of the interventions she had endured during her first birth in the hospital.  She learned what she did and did not want for her next birth from her studies and participation in birth, both in hospitals and at home.  Now was her moment of truth.  After three days of labor with very slow progress, dilation had suddenly progressed from 6 to 10 centimeters.  Now she was catching her own baby, half in and half out.

Moving around behind her, I tried to see what my hands so badly wanted to touch.  I couldn’t see anything but her half-squatting body in the birth pool.  Reaching into the water would ruin this sacred moment.  I kept my hands to myself, longing to “see” with my fingers, to know what position the baby’s head was in, feel the fetal scalp pulse, determine how far out it had already been born and if there was a cord around the neck.  But doing any of those things would ruin this task she had waited so long to do.  So I took a deep breath and waited… trusting birth, trusting this mother, trusting the baby, and trusting God.

The baby slipped into the mother’s hand and she brought her up out of the water and onto her bare skin.  Triumphant.  Beautiful.

Witnessing this perfect, timeless moment is my reward for sleepless nights, speeding tickets, blood, stench, sweat, burden, biohazards, long hours, missing family milestones, worry, pain, and exhaustion.  The price for triumph is giving all, filling back up, and giving all again.

I am honored to be called ‘midwife’ by the women I serve.  Each woman has her own story, her unique past and present situation, and her own unique future.  They share and reveal themselves as they grow to trust me as midwife.  Boldly supporting women to give birth as they choose sometimes ‘ties my hands’ by limiting what is appropriate to do or say, or which of my “tools” the mother will allow me to use.  But birth isn’t about the midwife.  It is about the woman and baby.  It’s about healing past pain and opening a new door for the future.  The wrong move at the wrong time can ruin all the work she has done, building up to the moment of truth.  To remain still and wait is a practice in self-discipline and trust.

I would like to share some of what I’ve learned through my practice as a midwife, wife and mother, covering topics like nutrition, fertility, birth, pregnancy, etc. I want to share what I consider vital information for women to have, whether they are my clients or not. I am passionate about birth, natural healthcare, and helping others to learn all they can to make educated decisions for themselves and their families.  I hope you enjoy reading along and would love your feedback on future posts.

Blessings!

Deborah